From Disorganized to Secure: Communication Shifts

When you experience disorganized attachment, your longing for closeness and your fear of getting hurt can feel like they’re in constant conflict. One moment you crave connection, the next you want to pull away. This push-pull can be confusing, painful, and isolating.

But here’s the truth: You’re not “too much” or “too broken.” You’ve likely adapted to relationships that weren’t consistent or safe—and that’s not your fault.

The good news? Healing is possible. By learning secure communication tools, you can build safety within yourself and in your relationships.

Let’s have a look at how communication can be different to feel more comfortable in relationships.

- Communication shifts

Instead of:
“I don’t need anyone.” (said in self-protection)
Try:
“Sometimes I push people away when I’m scared. I’m working on staying open.”

Instead of:
“Why do you always leave me?” (when triggered)
Try:
“When I feel distance, it brings up fears for me. Can we talk about what’s going on?”

Instead of:
“Forget it, you don’t care.” (when emotions feel overwhelming)
Try:
“I’m having a strong reaction right now, and I think I need a minute to understand it before we continue.”

Instead of:
“I’m scared you’ll hurt me, but I also don’t want you to leave.”
Try:
“I’ve learned to expect pain in relationships, but I want to try something different here—with care and patience.”

Instead of:
“I know you’ll end up rejecting me.” (preparing for abandonment)
Try:
“I notice I sometimes expect rejection, even when there’s no sign of it. It helps when we talk things through.”

Instead of:
“I can’t trust anyone.”
Try:
“Trust is hard for me, but I’m open to building it slowly, together.”

Therapy offers a space to explore your patterns with compassion and safety—so you can stop living in survival mode and start building relationships rooted in trust. Reach out today to begin your journey from disorganized to secure. You deserve to feel safe in love, and safe in yourself.